


Unbreakable bond

by Sissiqueen



Series: Is love enough for us? [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftercare, Alcoholic Dean, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Castiel, Consensual Underage Sex, Depressed Castiel, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, First Time, Fluff, Guilty Dean, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Dean Winchester, Smut, Teenage Castiel, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-08-14 01:29:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7993636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sissiqueen/pseuds/Sissiqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><q>He ignores half empty bottle of whiskey standing on the night table. He ignores how Dean's breath smells like alcohol and cigarettes. He ignores the way Dean's screams make him want to find some knife and cut deep into his own skin. It doesn't matter now. He needs to make sure Dean is safe, that's his job.</q><br/>In which Dean and Castiel are trying to build a normal relationship despite all of their issues.</p><p>-----------<br/>(Dean is 24, Cas is almost 17)<br/>Rated mature for language, triggers and eventual smut. This is second part of the series, but can also be treated as a separate story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silent tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Castiel curles himself into man's side, nuzzling the familiar scent. It would be so much better without the alcohol, like it used to be back when they were in the hospital together. When Dean held him close, wrapping blankets all over his body and they were talking about everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the show, even if I wish I had. I'm cruel to Castiel, I know, but don't hate me too much. Kudos and comment will be truly appreciated. You can also point out any mistakes and write suggestions if you have any.

###### Castiel

Terrible scream almost caused his heart stops as he wakes up in the middle of the night. He sits up, looking across the room. It's dark, but he's certain Sam is up too. He sights quietly, rubbing his eyes with both hands.  
"Go back to sleep, Sam. I'll take care of this."  
"You sure?"  
"Yes, get some rest."  
Castiel heads straight to their second bedroom only to find Dean covered in tears, shaking uncomfortably in his bed. He is asleep, his jaw tense and hands clenched in fists. Boy carefully lays himself by man's side, pulling him into a tight hug. He ignores half empty bottle of whiskey standing on the night table. He ignores how Dean's breath smells like alcohol and cigarettes. He ignores the way Dean's screams make him want to find some knife and cut deep into his own skin. It doesn't matter now. He needs to make sure Dean is safe, that's his job.  
"You're safe, Dean... It's okay. He won't hurt you anymore." Castiel whispers in his ear, placing gentle kisses on his neck. He hopes it won't take long to take Dean back to peaceful sleep. He's barely forcing himself to stay awake at this point, because he haven't really slept in weeks. He bit his lip to stop tears forming in his eyes from falling down.  
"I love you, Dean. I love you. I won't let anyone hurt you. He won't get close to you ever again. I promise..."  
He has never imagined it will look that bad. When Dean finally gave up and let Sam drag him to the police station, Castiel thought it's great. He thought it will help Dean forget about his past and start a new life. Maybe even finish school. But as the trial gets closer, Dean is only worse. He's been drinking for two weeks now. At first there were only him and Castiel, because Sam moved out some time ago to start pre-law in Standford. The first time he showed up completely drunk it was already one a.m. and Castiel was sleeping. He assumed Dean's just working late to pay for Sam's school. But Dean walked into his bedroom, kneeled right next to his bed and started crying. Castiel had to undress him and put him to bed, while whispering soothing words just like he does right now. Dean is screaming in his sleep since then every night and Castiel comforts him, also every night. He doesn't sleep anymore and he's not been eating for couple of days. He's so worried he really can't, even if he tries.  
"I'm right here, I'm not going to leave you." He kisses man's forehead and notices with relief that Dean relaxes a little bit. He takes Castiel's hand in his sleep and holds it on his chest, close to his heart. "I love you very much, Dean. It will be over soon."  
Maybe it would be better if they just leave it. No police. No trial. Maybe then they would move to California, be together with Sam again and Dean could finally find some peace there. But they wouldn't, because Castiel is too much of a coward to ask Dean for that. He fights the urge to cry again, knowing that his tears will only wake Dean up and he really needs his few hours rest. Castiel curles himself into man's side, nuzzling the familiar scent. It would be so much better without the alcohol, like it used to be back when they were in the hospital together. When Dean held him close, wrapping blankets all over his body and they were talking about everything. They don't talk anymore. Somethimes they make out on the couch, but it's dirty and wrong, and Dean doesn't even look him in the eyes. Castiel prefers that than nothing, so he let Dean use his body every way he wants. He knows Dean feels quilty later for wanting boy like that, but neither of them does anything to stop this.

It's six in the morning when he pokes Dean's arm lightly. Man murmurs something, placing a pillow over his head. Castiel let out a quiet sigh and does it again.  
"Dean, you need to get up. You'll be late for work."  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm up." Dean yawns, sitting on the bed right in front of Castiel. His gaze wanders to black circles under boy's eyes, but he doesn't make any comment. He probably feels ashamed he was having a nightmare again, but Castiel sends him a gentle smile.  
"It's okay, Dean. I slept enough today when you calmed down." That is an obvious lie and Dean has to know it, even though Castiel is an excellent liar. He somehow always recognises when boy's not telling the truth. Castiel doesn't know why, but it's still annoying. It's like Dean can read his mind or something. And better if he doesn't right now, because Castiel thinks about skipping school. He's already failed most of his classes this semester and there is no point in trying anymore. Not until Dean's trial is over. Micheal would probably kill him if he knows, but that's okay. He wouldn't actually complain.  
"You shouldn't really go to school today. You look terrible, have you ate something yesterday?"  
"No, I haven't. I was too busy worrying about your mental health, Dean. When are you going to visit doctor Masters?"  
"Well, when are _you_? Bet she wouldn't be pleased to see you lost over ten pounds. _Again._"  
" Oh yes, but she would be happy to see you becoming an alcoholic?"  
"I am not an alcoholic. I'm not like my father, Cas!"  
Castiel jerks off at the sound of Dean's raised voice. It's too much noise for his comfort, it hurts his ears. He swallows loud, trying not to panic. He can't cry in front of Dean. He just can't be that weak.  
"Hey, what's goin' on in here?"  
"I'll be back late today. Don't wait for me." He says quickly and almost runs towards bathroom before he feels like can't fight back tears anymore. He sits on the cold floor, back pressed to the door. He sobbs as quietly as he can, but he's aware they would still hear him if they came close enough. He hears footsteps near the door and he tries to pull himself together which only cause him troubles with breathing.  
"Cas, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to scare you. Let me in."  
Castiel doesn't move, but Dean's voice make his heart ache. Why it can't be like it was before? They are living together for three years and this is the first time Castiel is seriously thinking about killing himself again. He doesn't want to watch Dean becoming everything he told he never wants to be. His Dean hated whiskey and didn't smoke. And his Dean is gone now and some other one is trying to replace him. Castiel can't watch this happens.  
"Babe, I'm sorry, you hear me? I'll call Meg today. I will stop all of this. Just don't do anything stupid, please."  
He openes the door and looks straight into beautiful green eyes.  
"Maybe I'll believe you if I came back home and you won't be drunk."

\-------------------------------------------------

He knocks lightly on the door, waiting for his brother to open. He's not even sure if Michael's home. Maybe he's still at work? He only hopes that Lucifer isn't there either. He doesn't have enough strenght to deal with him today. He's exhausted and _hungry_ , and it feels awful. Completely, tragically awful. He sits on the swing on the porch, covering his face with his hands. He shouldn't be crying that much, he always managed to keep himself calm, but lately he can't stop it. He needs some support, that kind Dean was giving him before this whole trial mess. He wants to feel his soft lips against his own, slowly kissing him deeper and not just bitting until it bleeds. This wasn't suppose to look like this at all. It meant to be different.  
"Castiel?" Michael sits beside him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders. The only answer is a paintful moan he recives from Castiel. Boy tries to explain why he's here, but all that comes out from his mouth is unintelligible gibberish. Michael kisses his hair and sighs quietly. Castiel knows he's not used to hugging, that he surely feels really uncomfortably right now.  
"M'sorry, Mikey." He cries out like he's four years old again. He crawls onto his older brother's lap before he can stop himself. His body isn't as hot as Dean's, but it's still better than feeling cold air all over his exposed skin. Besides, he's actually freezing.  
"Hey, you're scarring me, what happened? Someone hurt you?"  
"D-Dean..."  
"Dean hurt you? I'm gonna kill him, this fucki--"  
"N-nooo! No. Mikey, I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry."  
Man shakes his head in disbelief and takes Castiel up. He somehow manages to open the door before coming inside and putting boy on the couch. He tugs him into a blanket, before kissing his hair once again. He sits right next to the couch, on the floor so he can see Castiel's wet eyes.  
"It's okay. Calm down and tell me what's going on."  
"D-Dean is... H-he... Newspaper."  
"What?" He reaches to the coffe table nearby and hands man the newspaper. Castiel points at the front page, at the article about some wealthy buisnessman accused and locked up in the arrest for molesting minor. "I don't understand..."  
Boy rubbs his eyes, sitting straight. He knows Michael in fact understands what happened, but he probably needs to hear it anyway.  
"Dean. He's been hurting Dean."  
"But why are _you_ crying, Castiel? You didn't know before?"  
" I knew, but he can't... He's not strong enough for this."  
"Alright, I have no idea what you're talking about. I will call him--"  
"No. I'll tell you, but don't call him."  
And so Castiel tells his brother about everything, almost everything. He tells Michael about the drinking, about Dean's nightmares, about his lack of sleep and food and about skipping school. About how he was so afraid of Dean's screams in the middle of the night and his visits in bars he couldn't force himself to even close his eyes. But no word about his make out sessions. Because that would cause Michael to lose his temper completely.  
"Okay, you will get some sleep now while I'll be making you lunch. Does Dean have a lawyer?" Castiel shakes his head. "I'll take care of it then. Sleep, Castiel. I don't want you in the hospital again."  
"Thank you, Michael."

###### Dean

"Maybe I'll believe you if I came back home and you won't be drunk."  
Dean stares at Castiel's pink lips, feeling his heart stops beating. Boy's words hurt a lot more that they should. He really messed up this time. Was it that bad? Castiel didn't comment his drinking ever before. He was just stressed, right? Who wouldn't be? He has to repeat all the worst memories over and over again to the complete strangers. Most of them don't even seem to believe him. And why would he make this up? What kind of person does that?  
"Cas, come on!" He yells, watching as Castiel leaves their apartament. Dean hits the wall with his bare fist, cursing quietly. Kid should be in school, he should learn his biology and chemistry, and math to become a fucking doctor someday. He should be hanging out with his friends and kissing some girls during the breaks. He **shouldn't** be crying over some old, fucked up mechanic.  
" What the hell was that?"  
"I knew it was a bad idea with the police and the rest of this shit. I fucking knew it!"  
Sam is looking at him with a puzzled expression, obviously trying to understand Dean's behaviour. He drove from California just yesterday after months of phone calls and texts. Dean was careful not to let him know what changed during that time. He knew Castiel was answering all of Sam's calls for the past two weeks, making excuses for Dean every time he passed out on the couch or was too drunk to form a sentence.  
"Dean, what are you talking about?"  
How do you tell your little brother you have problem with alcohol?  
"What happened while I was gone?" This hazel eyes are burning a hole in his heart. Sam looks exactly like when he begged Dean to buy him fireworks for New Year's Eve when he was seven. And when he whispered in his ear to stop crying when he was ten. And then again when he asked to let him go to a friend's party when he was thirteen. And every time he wanted something from Dean and Dean couldn't say no. He was completely helpless when it comes to Sammy.  
"Nothing, it's just... I'm not dealing well with this whole **thing**."  
" I figured last night. And this is normal, Dean. You went through so much, of course it will be difficult. "  
"It's not difficult, Sammy. It's fucking killing me. And Cas is just getting worse because of me, and--"  
"Stop. You promised me you will think about yourself first, remember? I would never let him move in with us, if you haven't. He's like a brother to me too, but you are more important, Dean. And you can't let this **man** walking free, because you're worried about Castiel. You deserve justice."  
This is so wrong. Sam doesn't get anything, not really. Maybe he deserves justice, **He** surely should get some kind of punishment, but is it worth losing Castiel? No. He's the most important person in Dean's life now, when Sam moved out with his soon to be fiance. Their _relationship_ isn't perfect, it's far from perfect actually, but they need each other. And now Dean isn't there anymore to help the boy and he knows Castiel will hurt himself if it stay that way. He has to do something.  
" Sam, Cas is the only reason I'm alive right now. I've been drinking since you dragged me to that police station and he takes care of me."  
"What?" Dean tries, but can't force himself to look into his brother's eyes. His voice is so... Dissapointed. Broken. Like Dean failed him and the truth is he does. He promised Sammy so many times he won't be like John. And from what Bobby told him John is drunk all the time now and sometimes he's gone for week or more. Is this what comes next? He's drinking now, alone in his bed and in a year he will find himself in some filthy alley in the middle of the night? And Cas will be waiting for him in this very apartament, scared and alone, because he always waits. Because he still looks at Dean like he was a hero or his reason to exist. Dean wanted to told him he feels the same, every time boy tells him this three meaningfull words, but he don't have enough courage. He's so young... Dean shouldn't feel the way he does towards him.  
"I'm sorry, Sammy. I know you probably don't want to see me anymore."  
"Have you lost your mind? You're my brother... But this has to stop. I don't want you to end up like dad."  
"I know."

His phone rings and he picks up immediately seeing Cas' name on the screen. He feels his heart beating faster, he's not sure why boy is calling him. He wants to move out? Or maybe something happened? Maybe he's in hospital again? He should have watched him better and keep an eye on his diet more carefully.  
"Dean, this is Michael. Castiel is with me, he's sleeping. I'm not gonna comment the fact that he was crying because of you, but I will hurt you if this happens ever again. Am I clear?"  
Dean nodds, but then realises Michael can't see him. He quickly mutters weak yes, because he's not able to say anything else. Castiel was crying because of him again. And he's in the house he's hates, because he's rather go there than be near Dean. Fan-fucking-tastic.  
"He showed me article in the newspaper though and I want to help you. Balthazar, our brother, is a lawyer, he will take your case. Pro bono, of course."  
"No... Michael, I can't."  
"Yes, you can and you will. Otherwise you won't see my little brother ever again." He hangs up just in time to avoid Deans whining. Castiel probably told him that Dean can't stand pity. How can he hire someone if he's not going to even pay him? He doesn't even got enough money to pay for the most terrible lawyer! Bobby and Ellen were trying to give him a loan, but he disagreed. Who Michael thinks he is? He can't walking around and ordering Dean like he has some advantage over him. Unless he does, seeing that he's constantly Cas' guardian. Dean gets a text shortly after previous conversation. It says simply adress and date, and man sighs loudly. He's too deep in love with Castiel to let his pride win this time. 


	2. Destroyed barrier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you go to the police earlier? Why didn't you try to fight? Why did you slept with all this girls if you're so traumatised?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mention of past rape and also memories of non-sexual abuse.
> 
> *This chapter was re-updated(12-09) I hope most of mistakes were fixed and I also added something in Dean's POV.

###### Dean

He's lost in his thoughts until he feels big hand smashing the back of his head. He sends Sam a hateful look, but he just shruggs his arms and heads straight to the kitchen. Dean storms right behind him, having no idea what he did to actually deserve a punch.  
"What the fuck, bitch?!"  
"You're such a jerk, Dean. Michael's offering you a lawyer, you should be thanking him."  
"I don't want--"  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. But maybe just this once let someone help you, huh?"  
Dean sits on his usual chair, lighting a cigarette. He has to fight the urge to stand up and get his hands on the bottle of whiskey standing alone in the cabinet. Or the one beside his bed. It would be so much simpler not to think about all of this and just let alcohol wash the memories away. It's been a long time since he felt that dirty. There was a time when he used to take five or six showers a day. John beat the crap out off him when he saw the water bill, but he just had to. It was right after he _became a big boy_ and He stopped being so nice to him. He would usually throw Dean on the bed or the couch and take him. He was brutal, always leaving bloody marks all over his body and it was even worse when boy tried to close his eyes. And no matter what he did and how hard he's scrubbing his skin it wasn't any better. Not until he was almost fourteen and had sex with a girl for the first time. She was three years older, some kind of school slut, but he didn't care. He convinced her somehow they're the same age and then fucked her from behind, because he couldn't stand her hands on his body. It helped for while, knowledge that he can be in charge for a change, so he became a school slut too.  
He's curious what his life would look like if his parents did something. They knew, Mary knew from the very beginning and she didn't even move a finger to stop Him. No, she was still working for Him and she invited Him to their house. What kind of person does that to their own child? Dean had a chance to be a normal boy, he could actually finish high school and do something different than fixing cars. Not that he didn't like it, but it's hard to pay for Sam's college and maintain from his salary. He would be probably starving at this point if not for Michael. He let man help him and it was already too much. Dean feels like a the worst failure, because he can't take proper care of his little brother and Cas. So how they can expect him to take more?  
" Okay, I'll meet this Balthazar guy after work. But I need my caffeine first."

\--------------------------------

He stops his baby in front of big, old-looking house. It's far from the city and also far from the other building, like almost twenty minutes ride. There is a enormous backyard with garden he barely sees because of the high fence. It looks like whoever lifes here, doesn't like company. Gate is opening before he can even ring and he thinks that they probably have lots of cameras everywhere. He finally parks in the driveway and gets off the car, noticing that his legs are trembling. Somethings feels horribly wrong in here. He forces himself to move towards the door.  
"Good afternoon, Mister Winchester. I would prefer if you don't come in. Let's go talk in the garden, shall we?"  
Dean turns his head to see the owner of this weird voice. He sees blond man dressed in simple black suit with glass of some, probably expensive, alcohol in his hand. His other hand is laying peacefully in his pocket. He seems relaxed and very pleased with himself. Dean thinks for a minute this must be Balthazar, but his accent is... British? How can Castiel's brother be British?  
"Oh, I've spent twelve years in England, honey." Does this guy reads his mind or something? "Come on, we have some things to discuss."  
He goes to the back of the house, clearly expecting Dean to follow. And he does, keeping his steps quick enough not to be too much on the back. Balthazar stops suddenly and Dean's face cannon into his shoulder. He curses under his breath, feeling his cheeks turning pink.  
"You are adorable, Dean Winchester. No wonder why Cassie lost his mind over you."  
Dean's whole face is bright red now, because this guy just called him _adorable_. Could it be more embarrasing? He couldn't believe it was actually Castiel's brother, they were so different in every way possible.   
" Now, straight to buisness. I will take your case, but you have to prepare yourself for lots of paintful questions. You know that, right?"  
"What kind of questions?"  
"Well... Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you go to the police earlier? Why didn't you try to fight? Why did you slept with all this girls if you're so traumatised?" Dean swallows hard and Balthazar must notices, because he sends him a weak smile. "Although, we have an opinion from your psychiatrist and also photographs of scars this man left on your body. We have your brother, old teachers and parents as witnesses and there is no way we will lose."  
Maybe it won't be that bad after all? Maybe this guy will really help? Balthazar is talking for good half an hours, asking Dean about details and telling how he should respond in the court. He finally takes a look at his watch and finishes his drink.  
"We will discuss this further in my office on Friday, okay? Now, we can wait until Cassie finishes his dinner so you can take him back home."  
"What? Cas is here?"  
"Of course he is. This is our house."  
Dean's mouth falls open as Balthazar words are echoing in his head. Castiel never told him his family is **that** rich. He figured they must have a lot of money, because Castiel has brand new clothes and the best doctors, but he wouldn't assumed they have a freaking palace instead of house. But then he thinks about something else and his blood is boiling with anger.  
" Is Lucifer's here?"  
"No, I don't know where he is. And we wouldn't let Castiel sit inside if Lucifer was there too."  
"Didn't bother you before." Balthazar's smile fades a little, but he keeps his eyes locked on Dean.  
"Of course it did, but you know where the problem is?" Dean certainly didn't expect any confessions from this guy, but it seems like he really wants to talk about this. So he doesn't say anything, just listens. Our father left us very specific instructions before he dissapeared. He made Michael our guardian under the condition he will stay in that house, but he left everything else to Lucifer. Michael could of course call the police a million times, I know. Gabriel begged him for that almost everyday and he finally did one night when Castiel just left the hospital for the first time. I wasn't in the country so I don't really know what happened, but I know police didn't believe them. Police officer wanted to lock Michael up in jail instead of Luci.  
Turns out not only John Winchester was a father of the year. Even if Balthazar's words were true, Dean still blames them all. Michael should do more than just single call, he should fight and protect his little brother. And Balthazar shouldn't run away like a coward. Dean has done everything he possibly could to keep Sammy safe. He sacrifice his own childhood and his own body so He didn't even want to look at Sam. That's what older siblings are supposed to do. He doesn't say any of this loud, because it doesn't matter. It won't change anything right now.

  


###### Castiel

 **10 years ago**  
  
Castiel was so afraid to leave his bed, he ended up wetting the whole mattres and his pajamas. His body was shivering when he tried hard to stay calm. He could do laundry before Lucifer will be up. Or maybe he couldn't? He didn't have a watch and he had no idea what time is it, but he knew that day was different. Lucifer was probably on the cementary or he managed to came back home at this point. Because Castiel just turned six and his birthday also meant something else. An anniversary of their mother's death.  
This was the day he killed his mommy. And this was the day his daddy left because of him.  
" M'sorry, mommy. I didn' wan' you to be dead." He said, looking up. Gabriel told him one time their mommy was in Heaven with the angels and that they are watching over them. Castiel didn't believe in the second part though. Why would his mommy want to watch _him_? Did she enjoy how Lucifer's hurting him? Maybe she was the one to ask Lucifer to do that, to punish him, because he was bad.  
" Luv you, mommy. " He added quietly. His throat hurt and he was thirsty, but he couldn't drink. It hurt to drink and he was scared Lucifer will throw something into his juice again. Last time he couldn't taste it, but he started to feel funny after a while. And he couldn't move when Lucifer beat him and locked him in the basement. Castiel's been sleeping with his lights on since then. He hasn't talk to anyone exept his mommy for over a year. He wasn't even answering any questions and Michael had to paid for a private tutor, because they didn't want him in any school. This tutor was a lot nicer than the one he had in the hospital and he let Castiel stay quiet. Castiel tried to hug him just this once, but Lucifer saw that and fired him. He told the boy he doesn't deserve a hug from anyone and that no one will ever touch him in a good way, because he is a murderer.  
Lucifer opened the door to his room and Castiel held his breath.  
"What the hell did you do this time?" He took a look at the bed, before he smirked. "Aren't you too old for nappies, Castiel?"  
Boy didn't answer, he just stood there looking somewhere far behind Lucifer's head. He was thinking about his mommy and wonder if she was a beautiful woman. He figured moths ago that if he thought about this, he won't cry. And Lucifer hated crying babies.  
"You going to answer me or not?"  
"Okay, I can live with that." He threw Castiel onto the bad and pressed his face to the massive wet spot. It smelled awful and Castiel didn't like it at all, but he didn't dare move. "Lick."  
*

He sits up, immiedately feeling strong headache. He wouldn't sleep at all if he new that this house will bring such terrible memories. Although this was foreseeable, this is the reason he moved in with the Winchesters after all. But it so paintful to see that nothing has changed since then really. The furniture is standing in the exact same place, the photographs are placed just above the couch and his bedroom probably looks just like the day he tried to commite a suicide. Dean is still having nightmares and he still has BPD. So why he ever believed things will get better, when they actually don't? Life is life and it would never be good, not for Castiel.  
Because he killed his mommy and then his dad left.  
It's funny though, seeing that he hasn't had a single thought about his mother for the last three or even four years. He somehow managed to forget and now it's back, stronger than ever before. Every single thing Lucifer has told him about the day he was born. Every single thing Lucifer has done to him on his birthdays. No wonder he didn't told Sam or Dean when he was born, he hates that date. They used to ask him everyday during the first couple months living together, but he didn't say a word. How could he celebrate the worst day of his life? The worst day of _his family's_ life. He wonders what his dad would say to him if he knew about how messed up he is. Would he be sorry about his dissapearence? Or would he be mad at Castiel? He certainly wouldn't be angry at Lucifer, because he was his favourite, first born son.  
" Cassie, someone's waiting for you in the driveway." Balthazar says, sitting next to his young brother. He is the complete opposite of Castiel, smiling and nonchalant with his happy eyes and tanned skin just like Dean's. Castiel's sure Dean is the one waiting for him and he thinks that maybe he cares. They went through a lot together and Dean had never let him down yet. He was always perfect, everything Castiel could want from a man. Maybe recent events were just a mistake caused by stress? Dean couldn't change that much in such a short period of time.  
"I have to add I totally see why you're so in love with him. He's a real hottie."  
"I'm... I'm not in love."  
"Yeah, sure. Use your protection, alright?"  
"Balthazar!" Michael sends his brother a dangerous look, before locking his eyes on Castiel. There's something odd in there, but Castiel isn't sure what exactly. "I hope you haven't done anything with that boy."  
"Of course not." He answers quickly, maybe too quickly, but Michael doesn't seem to notice. Castiel's cheeks are pink now, he can feel himself blushing so he stands up. He whispers a quiet goodnight before running towards the car in front of the house. Dean is already sitting behind the wheel, waving at him carefully. He slids himself beside the man, placing his hand on Dean's thigh. He doesn't say anything, just squizzing lightly through the thick material.  
"I've missed you too, Cas. Don't leave like this again, okay?"  
"I won't ever leave you, Dean."  
He smiles, just with the corners of his lips and Dean kisses his forehead before they go home.


	3. Something to believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Four years. Castiel knew he loved Dean since the very beginning, actually he fell in love almost straight away. Meg told him it's because of his personality disorder, that he is idealising Dean, but was it really important? Maybe Dean isn't as perfect as Castiel supposes he is, but he's still the best person he's ever met._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure fluff and cuteness, like a calm before the storm...  
> It's a little bit shorter than I expected, but I wanted to end it in this particular moment, so I hope you understand!

###### Castiel

It's been a long time since he visited his family house and he almost forgot how far it is from the rest of the city. It's already getting dark and they're not even half way from their apartament. Castiel's tracing patterns on Dean's thigh, focused only on his fingers. He would like to touch man's skin alone, but it's pretty impossible with all this clothes he's wearing. Castiel pouts his lips and hears a quiet chuckle, which means Dean must have watch him the whole time.  
"Have something in mind, Cas?" His cheeks turns pink as his body stills. He wants to jump out and hide somwhere far away. Dean should know by now no to ask this type of questions. Boy opens his mouth, but shuts them right after, because he really has no idea how to respond. Should he flirt with him? Or just keep doing what he did without a word?  
"You want me to stop the car?" Does he? Turns out he nodded, because Dean stops on some parking lot in the middle of nowhere. He covers Castiel's hand with his own and boy finally forces himself to look into his emerald green eyes. It's been so long since they just sit and look into each others eyes and this is perfect. Just like the first time, when Dean woke up from his nightmare and Castiel curled into his side to give him at least a little sense of safety. It was during Castiel's first night back in the hospital and they haven't even known one another then. But boy felt this special connection and he knows Dean felt that too, because they still do.  
"Mind if I kiss you?" Dean asks, his voice quiet and unsure.  
"Dean..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Don't ask stupid questions."  
He smiles shyly as Dean leans in. When they lips finally meet, Castiel feels soothing warmth all over his body. He clenches Dean's t-shirt into his fist, pulling him closer. It's their first real kiss since Castiel found out about the trial and he wants it to last forever. There's nothing desperate and hurriedly in the way Dean's tongue finds its way into Castiel's mouth, just pure affection and love. Boy wraps his hands around man's neck and stradle on Dean's lap, his knees on the both sides of Dean's hips. They're breathing heavy at this point as air suddenly becomes thick with lust. Castiel almost forgets they're still in the car and he wants to beg Dean to take him right there and now. He looks into beautiful green again and openes his mouth, but Dean places his finger on them.  
"After the trial, I promise. We will take our time and I'll make you feel better than ever before. Is that okay, Cas?"  
He nodded happily, burrying his face under Dean's chin. Maybe it will be different this time. They would be a real couple and maybe Castiel will even ask about removal. He wonders if Sam would be okay with it. They wouldn't live together, that's for sure. Sam's already renting some place with Jess and Castiel doesn't want to interrupt their happiness. Besides, living with him must be exhausting. Jessica doesn't have to suffer like this.   
"Are you having this thoughts again?" Dean asks, gently stroking boy's hair with his fingers. He holds him close enough to feel Castiel's accelerated heartbeat. "Look at me."  
Castiel raises his head a little bit, afraid of what Dean wants to tell him. Is he mad, because Castiel is so broken he will probably never be fixed? He surely wants him to get out of the car and he will leave him there, miles from town. And someone will find him and hurt or maybe even kill him, because that's exactly what people do with kids like Castiel. That's what he deserves.  
"Castiel." Dean says, touching boy's cheek with the tips of his fingers. "I love you too."  
He bows his heads to one side as man's words echoing in his head. He waited so long for this words, he can't actually believe he heard them correctly. It has to be some kind of misunderstanding.  
"What?" He asks vacantly, locking his eyes on Dean's lips.   
"I love you, Cas. Always have and always will."   
Castiel feels his heart stops, when Dean smiles at him with the corners of his mouth. They are sitting like that in compelete silence for a couple of minutes. Boy isn't sure if he's dreaming or if this is some kind of cruel joke. But then he thinks Dean wouldn't do that to him, so he must really meant this words. Four years. Castiel knew he loved Dean since the very beginning, actually he fell in love almost straight away. Meg told him it's because of his personality disorder, that he is idealising Dean, but was it really important? Maybe Dean isn't as perfect as Castiel supposes he is, but he's still the best person he's ever met. He was a family and the love of his life, even when he was just thirteen years old. And some things don't change.  
"Thank you... Thank you so much." He finally whisperes, knowing how hard it was for Dean to say it out loud. Finally admitting he was in love with anyone, after everything he's been through, must have been hard. Castiel's aware man hates all conversations involving feelings and he is really grateful Dean decided to broach the subject despite this.

###### Dean

It was terrifying, but he knows he had to do this. It's the right time, actually it is long after the right time. And still, Castiel thanked him. _He literally said" thank you"._ Like Dean's some prince on a white horse and like he hasn't been waiting all this years for this confession. It was pretty obvious they're in love, even Sammy teased him about that, but he thinks Castiel really needed to hear that. To have some confirmation, something to stick to, because otherwise he would be gone again. And Dean doesn't want to visit him in the hospital again, God knows for how long. Boy's in a bad condition lately, most likely because of the situation he was put in against his will. Dean feels terribly ashamed he forced Castiel into taking care of him when he was drinking. No kid should do that. Dean knows that better than anyone.   
"You don't have to thank me, baby. I should be the one thanking, you're more than I've ever dreamt about."   
"Dean, I may cry if you keep saying this things."   
He can't help a laugh after hearing Castiel's serious tone, completely out of emotions. He sounded like some kind of robot or whatever, but Dean finds it adorable. Somehow Castiel totally not good social skills are always the best way to loosen the atmosphere. Boy smiles as well, placing his hands on Dean's shoulders. He kisses him, just enough for they lips to touch before he's again staring at Dean with eyes full of trust. He mouths silent "I love you" and Dean thinks it's the most chick-flick moment in his entire life. And he's oddly fine with that.  
"We should go home, Sam will be worried."  
"I want a cheeseburger, can we buy one?" Castiel asks carefully, probably insecure he will regret this later. Dean kisses his forehead, before boy slipps from his lap to sit by his side.  
"We can share, if you want. And we'll also take one for Sammy."  
He notices Castiel's smile when he drives towards the closest bar. He lets himself holding Cas' hand as they walk inside, althought it's still weird and he isn't quite sure if he likes it. He's never liked being touch before and considering his past, it was understendable. Something about him and Castiel was different - boy has already touched him millions of times, but nothing was as intimate as this simple gesture. Not for Dean, at least. He's fully comfortable with sex and all of this, he was force to it, but the relationships are a entirely opposite story. He was never engaged in one. _Never._ He has no idea how it suppose to look like. What they should do on dates? Should they sleep in the same bed all the time? And should they touch each other constantly or perhaps not?   
The worst part is Castiel has no clue about any of this either.  
"Dean, she's been staring at you since we get here." Castiel states sullenly, while they're waiting for their order. Dean kisses him, right in front of the waitress boy is talking about and then winks at him.  
"It doesn't matter. But you should be happy you have a hot boyfriend." _He didn't mean to say that at all and now it's too late to take it back._ Castiel's eyes widenes in shock and he seems to think about something really hard.  
" You are my boyfriend?"  
"Y-yeah... Yeah, I guess so."  
"So we are a couple now?" Dean nods, feeling a little bit anxious. Castiel's looking at him with his intense gaze, before small smile appears on his face. "I love you."  
"I love you too, Cas. But don't make me say it every five minutes."  
Castiel curls into his side without another word and closes his eyes. Dean hugs him tight and notices lot of people are sending them glances. It's not very pleasant, but it's okay. He can deal with that, Castiel is most important than some strangers. But he started worrying about Sam. How will he react? Will he be mad? Or disgusted? What if he will decide he doesn't want to have anything to do with them ever again? Dean won't survive rejection from him. Everyone, but not from his little brother.  
"There you go, it's fourteen dollars."   
He looks at the waitress confused, before his mind is back in the reality. He pays - leaving generous tip of course, because he knows she's working really hard and sends her a polite smile. She smiles back, watching as they head into the parking lot.   
"Are you going to tell Sam today?"  
"Yeah. The sooner the better, huh?"  
"I hope he won't be mad..."  
"I know, Cas. Me too."


	4. Accidents happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He lets them do everything they want, he's always letting everyone do everything to him, because he's afraid to say no. He said it only once to Lucifer and his elder brother told him then he will sell him to some rich creep as a sex toy. And the worst part is - he really would._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally finished! I had really hard time writing this, but I hope it's not that bad. Enjoy and don't forget to left kudos and comments. :)

###### Dean

They spent almost fifteen more minutes kissing in the car, before they finally go home. They are greet by Sam nervous swearing as he's walking around the living room with the cell phone in his hand. It takes some time, but when he finally sees them it seems like he's preparing himself for a murder.  
"Where have you been this whole time?! I was going crazy here!"  
"I think you're overreacting, Sammy. We stopped to get some dinner." Dean answers, placing food on the table. He tries to keep his voice calm, but it's not that easy as he thought. He wonders if Sam would be pissed. Maybe he will go back to his new home and they won't see each other ever again? Dean just hopes he won't ask him to choose, because that would be impossible. How could he make that choice? Sammy's his brother and Castiel is... Castiel is like a fresh air. He's the only person in the entire world who saw Dean's worst and he stayed anyway. He will always stay, no matter what happens - Dean is sure of that. And he wants to give boy the same, even if it won't be easy. There a lot of work waiting for them before they will be able to be truly happy.  
"Dean...?" Cas' soft voice breaks his thoughts and takes him back to the reality. Both boys are staring at him, clearly worried.  
"Sorry, I was thinking about stuff. "  
He kisses Castiel's forehead before he can stop himself, but that's okay. Sam saw it lots of times already, it's nothing new. Nothing suspicious. He notices Sam rolling his eyes and then boy's sitting down to eat. Dean doesn't know if he should wait for him to finish or not. He surely can't eat anything until they're done with this conversation. He sends his _boyfriend_ (how weird is that?) knowing look and Castiel nods. Dean clears his throat and takes a deep breath.  
" Sam, we got some news for you."  
"You're married?" Sam asked with full mouth before he swallows. He seems utterly serious, like he really thinks **that's** what they were trying to say.  
" What?"  
"What?!"  
They're asking in the exact same time and it only causes Sam to laugh. He's grinning at them for couple of minutes and then seriousness finally comes back across his face. Dean has no idea what to say, so he takes Castiel's hand instead. It's just a simple gesture, but they've never done this before, so Sam should know. But boy takes a brief look at their hand and goes back to eating.  
"Wha-- Aren't you going to make any comment?" Dean asks in confusion, because he has no clue what the fuck is going on in here.  
"Comment about what? You do that all the time." Hazel eyed simply frowns, shoving a really big piece of food into his mouth. Dean turnes his head towards Cas, but he seems just as much suprised. Are they really do that? That's impossible. Then Castiel openes his mouth and a quiet words come out.  
"I'm... pretty sure we don't, Sam."  
"Really? Because I remember you were holding hands when I've first met you. And during every ride, when you were sitting next to Dean. And also when we were watching movies. Literally all the time. So what's goin' on? I would ask if you're pregnant, but y'know."  
He laughs at his own joke and Dean feels like he might lose his mind. Does that mean Sammy knows? He somehow found out they got together? But they're only a couple for like two hours or even less! And who would told him anyway?  
"Well, actually we were going to tell we are together now..." That's Sam turn to title his head in bewilderment. He's staring at them, obviously thinking about something very hard. He intends to tell something a couple times, but clearly can't form a proper sentence.  
"Weren't you before? I mean, I even told Jess and Bobby you are seeing each other."  
_Sam told Bobby._ He told Bobby. Dean can't believe how much he wants to tear off his little brother's head. What was he even thinking? He can't just walk around and say things like that to everyone. Dean's cheeks are suddenly turning pink and he feels incredibly hot. He noticed Bobby was treating them different for some time now, but he would never suspected it's because of Sam.  
" Sorry, seems like I figured it out faster than you two."  
"Oh shut up, Sammy!"

  


###### Castiel

This was his first time in school after almost a month of absence. He's far behind everyone else in the class, but he hopes it can be easily fixed. He will ask Sam for help and they will figure this out in some way. He is already year lower than he should, thanks to his eating disorders and depression. Talking about which, they are terrible today. Castiel wanted to stay home, but he just couldn't force himself to do it. Michael warned the teachers will call him and Dean if Castiel be even late. Also, Dean decided he will bring him to and from school every day and Sam will check his homework until he'll have to go back to California. Long story short, he was screwed. He prays to the God or whoever listened for this day to be over. He ate only few bites of his burger yesterday, but it was so greasy and _good_ he still feels like throwing up. He " missed" his alarm this morning on purpose so Dean wouldn't force breakfast into his mouth and his lunch money are calmly waiting inside the wallet for the time they will be useful. It's not healthy, he knows it's not, but this illness is so much stronger than him.  
"Hey, Novak!" He hears familiar voice right behind his head as he's looking at the parking lot for Impala. He turnes around slowly, because he's already aware whom he will see. Doesn't mean it makes it any easier. But he remembers Dean told him to stay strong and fight, so that's what he's about to do.  
"Hello, Richard. What do you want?" He somehow keeps his voice calm, even if inside he's terrified. He should have run, not talk to them. This was such a horrible mistake.  
"HA! Look at him, he's talking!" The group of seven boys burst into laugh, when Castiel suddenly finds himself being pushed on the ground. It was raining, so his clothes and bag are completely covered in dirt and mug. "Why did you run away from home? Lucifer told my father you're living with some psycho."  
"He's not..." He cuts himself mid-sentence, seeing that there is no point in explaining anything to them. It's not like they would understand. Richard's father working for Lucifer for as long as he remembers and boy is always surronded by his friends. They don't like Castiel, because well - Lucifer doesn't like him and Lucifer's word is sacred. They made their life goal to broke him and they did, several times actually. And their last conversation end up with Castiel in the pool of his own blood.  
"Wanna cut this skin some more, huh? Maybe this time you will finally succeed, because come on - you can't even kill yourself right? Bet you have this fancy knife with you, maybe I should help you."  
They have him pinned to the ground, while Richard is plundering his bag. Castiel has to fight the urge to cry, because he can't be that weak in front of them. He can give them this satisfaction. He have nothing sharp with him though, so that's good. Otherwise they would probably cut him and left him here for Dean to find. That just can't happen. Boy starts thinking that he should scream or do anything, but he doesn't have enough strenght. _Again._ He lets them do everything they want, he's _always_ letting everyone do everything to him, because he's afraid to say no. He said it only once to Lucifer and his elder brother told him then he will sell him to some rich creep as a sex toy. And the worst part is - he really would. So Castiel keeps his mouth shut since then, because you can't say this kind of words to a child without leaving a lasting trace on its psyche.  
" What the fuck you think you're doing? Leave him alone!" He lifts his head a little bit to see Dean running in his direction. He's clearly pissed off and Castiel has this feeling that this is not going to end well.  
"Mind your own buisness, old man."  
"I said: leave him alone. Now. Don't make me repeat myself again."  
"Or what?"  
Dean kicks Richard right into his ribs, which causes younger boy to scream from pain. His friends are looking at him confused, not sure what should they do next. One of them tries to hit Dean's face, but ends up on the street with his hands twisted on his back. When man takes a step closer to Castiel, the rest of them take two steps back.  
"Everything's alright, Cas? Did they hurt you?" Dean gives him a hand to help him stand up and then he takes off his leather jacket to cover boy's arms with it. He drops his head in the crook of Dean's neck to stop himself from sobbing.  
"Yes. I'm okay, thank you."  He whispers quietly, only for man to hear.  
"If I see you near him ever again, I won't be so nice to you." Dean growls, his voice deep and dangerous. Castiel can hear that they are probably running as far as they can and he smiles a little. He never thought he will have his own hero someday. Even if it sounds cliché. They somehow reaches the car and Castiel is seated in the frontseat. He's still shivering and he feels hot tears finally streaming down his face.  
"Cas, don't cry, they ain't worth it. Who were they anyway? You got any troubles in school?" Dean kneels beside him, his strong hand gently brushing boy's thigh.  
"N-no... Richard had English a-and PE with me in my... In my previous school."  
"That was him? Cas, baby... I need you to tell me if you see him around again. You call me and I'll be there, okay?"  
Castiel nods, wiping his eyes with and open hand. Dean wants to protect him. He will be fine, because Dean is always right by his side and he can't let him down. He just needs to be fixed.


	5. Before the storm arrives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He wasn't always this way. No, he was actually the happiest kid anyone could imagine. He ran around the house and parks, saying hello to every stranger passing by. He was kissing Mary's belly when she was pregnant with Sammy, telling everyone he will have a little baby brother and he will be the best elder one in the entire planet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine in contrast to anything from the show. This chapter may contain some triggers and there is a mention of past sexual abuse.

###### Castiel

It's the first night he spent with Dean in the same bed and they both are actually sleeping. Castiel wakes up couple of times when man starts whining, but other than that it's a quite pleasurable experience. He has never been hugged like this as a child and he's really enjoying the feeling of hot body pressed against his own. Dean is sleeping in boxers alone and even though Castiel's wearing his usual pajamas _and_ a sweater, there are still some places when their bare skin is touching. It's so nice, boy has to use his all strenght to fight the urge to crawl on top of Dean and just... But that is not a good time and not a good way. Cas knows how many bad memories are connected to this particular position and he would never hurt Dean like this. Dean is reacting pretty well to his touch, but there are still times when he frozes and Castiel can see tears forming in beautiful green eyes. He sure if he does what he wants to do _so badly_ , Dean would cry for real - his silent sobbs, which are breaking Castiel's heart even more than it would if man screams. This is a cry of a broken child, betrayed by the ones who should protect him from all bad in this world. But Dean would let him get everything, because his fear is so strong and Castiel knows exactly what it feels like. He feels the same all the time, but his fear doesn't have a face or a name. It just is.  
Instead of anything else he just takes Dean hand in his own, gently tracing patterns with his thumb before he falls asleep again. And when he wakes up in the morning, he finds Dean looking at him with a smile on his face. It's a small one, but it's perfectly enough.  
"Hey." Dean whispers, his voice oddly shy and quiet. Castiel leans in to place a quick kiss on man's soft lips.  
"Hello, Dean."  
They are laying like this for long minutes or hours maybe, none of them ready to move. Castiel doesn't have any idea what time this is, but it doesn't matter. It have to still be early, seeing that no alarm was on. Boy notices they're closer with every second until they are breathing the same air, Dean's warm breath brushing his face. And then Dean's pressing his lips to Castiel's, pulling him in. Castiel feels tongue licking his bottom lip, so he eagerly parts them for Dean to slid in. Their tongues are dancing together in this so intimate manner, while man's hands easily finding their way under Cas' clothes. He's carresing boy's hipbone protruding from under the delicate skin, like it's the most precious thing in the entire universe. Castiel body tenses against his will, because it's so wrong. Dean shouldn't be doing this, he shouldn't see him _like this_.  
" You are so beautiful, Cas. I don't care what you look like, I've seen your worse." He moves his hands to boy's flat stomach, exploring remnants of muscle the illness didn't manage to take away from him yet. "But we both know it's killing you."  
"M'sorry..." He says, because these are the only words coming to his mind. He's always apologising for things he can't change no matter how much he tries. He apologised to Gabriel for what older boy has to see while they were alone with Lucifer. He apologised to Michael for what his eldest brother did to him. And now he's apologising for not being good enough. The weak excuse of a human being.  
"No, baby. There's no need to say sorry, okay? You don't have to be perfect for anyone. You understand? I know you're strong enough to do it."  
It sound so simple, Castiel feels like he can do it. He can go to the kitchen and eat breakfast like it's not a big deal. He can eat breakfast and then he can also have a piece of pie. If Dean says so, it has to be true. He doesn't have to be perfect. He really doesn't. Dean is always right after all. So boy nods, smiling widely and curling himself into a tanned body next to his own. He would love to lay like this forever, but then alarm in his phone breaks their sweet oblivion. He turns it off as fast as he possibly can, praying than Dean somehow didn't notice.  
"Come on, you need to get ready for school." Castiel sighs at this words, the whole romantic mood already forgotten. "What do you say about eggs and becon, hm?"  
Becon mean trouble in his mind, but he feels a sudden surge of determination that causing him to forget about all of his fears and problems. He sits up, pulling the sweater sleves to cover his cold hands.  
"Sounds good. How about pie?" Dean grins at him like a little boy and it's the best revard he has ever recieved.  
"We can also eat pie, baby. Get some shower while I'll make everything ready."

He spends embarrasingly long time in the shower looking at his scars. They are all over his hips and upper thighs, straight and white, some of them thicker than the other from when he has to cut the same place twice or more. The work of his life, thousands of lonely nights and millions of words still echoing in his head. But the worst ones are visible on his wrists, on almost his whole forearms actually, these are the reminder of his last day at family house. They're fresh, still pink and even red here and there from when he was scratching so hard they bled again. That was a week ago and today is different. He can be strong for Dean. It's not about him, the trial is so close - only few days before his beloved one will have to face his worst nightmare, literal nightmare, one more time and then again, and again. Castiel hopes it won't take long to put this monster in prison, because Dean would shatter if he has to talk about what happened too many times.  
Boy puts clean clothes on, just a simple jeans and t-shirt and then he's just staring at red hoodie he intended to wear today. It's truly hot outside, even his starving body can feel it, but he hasn't go out without at least two layers for at least ten years. He decides it's worth trying. Dean said he's strong enough.  
"Heya, Cas." Sam greets him from the kitchen table, surronded by books and papers like always. Even so far away from California, he still thinks about college and work he has to do. Castiel really admires that, he wants to have this kind of ambition in him. And well, he can. He can do whatever he wants, because today is the first day of his new life. So he decides he will become a doctor. All he needs to do is pass every class and he will be one step closer. Baby steps are good, it doesn't have to be quick and perfect. It doesn't, does it?  
"Hello, Sam. " He says, sitting next to Dean who already put three plates on the table. He starts eating without a word, but his eyes are locked on Castiel and he knows that Dean wants to say something about his clothing. Boy takes a fork, fighting the urge to set some order on his plate, because everything is so _messy and mixed_ and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like the way bacon is laying **on the egg** and the pieces are not identical. Why the fucking pieces aren't identical?  
" Just eat, Cas. It will be alright, I promise. I'm here." Soothing words are so close to his ear he forgots how to breath. Dean smells like butter and coffee, his voice's a patch on Castiel's nerves. It's going to be fine. Dean promised it's okay. With this thoughts kept in mind, he takes a bit and it's almost the best thing that happened for a very long time. It tastes incredibly good, like a pure sin in the middle of a prayer and every cell in boy's body wants more. He needs more calories. He _wants_ more fat. It's no familiar to any other experience he's been through during his relatively short life, but it feels fantastic. He's like a free bird, capable of doing anything. He eats two eggs, bacon, toast with butter and then he eats a big piece of cherry pie. And it's all thanks to Dean.  
" It was good, baby. I'm so proud of you." Dean kisses his head, smilling in his hair as he huggs him close. Sam smiles too, looking at them from above his books. Castiel feels a nice warmth in his entire body, because he has never made anyone proud.  
"Me too, Cas. And it's good to see you finally showing some skin too."  
"Yeah... Dean said I can do it."  
"Of course you can. Dean wouldn't lie to you."

  


###### Dean

He insits to walk Castiel to the same enter of school for other students to see who they will deal with if they try to make jokes of the boy. Dean kisses him deeply in front of everyone, his hand quickly finds its way to his skinny waist. He can feel boy's blushing from all of the public attention they're getting, but it's okay. The more people see, the safest Cas is. Everyone knows who Dean is, thankfully not thanks to His process. At least not yet. But he's known because of his pretty face and the fact he probably slept with most women in town, including some female teachers. He's not proud, but not actually ashamed either. He had to do _something_ to forget and it seemed like the best option. Nice and easy. It's not like he ever forced any of them to spend night with him - he's not that kind of man. He asked politely every single time and they were mostly just taking the chance. Too bad he didn't have that choice.  
" Call me if you need anything." He says, smiling at the sight of boy's red and swollen lips. Castiel just nods, words completely forgotten somewhere far away and then he runs into the building. Dean is standing there alone for quite some time, ignoring the looks from clearly amused girls giggling right next to him. He hopes Cas won't call, because that would mean he's doing well. And there is no other thing Dean wants more than this.  
His way to work is smooth and fast like always. He feels kind of anxious, seeing that today is _too peacefull_ and from his experience it can only mean something bad is coming. And it's something else than his first visit in the court which will be in two days. Bobby's waiting for him with four cars to fix and it's fantastic, cause in that case he won't have time to drown into his pessimistic thoughts. He wasn't always this way. No, he was actually the happiest kid anyone could imagine. He ran around the house and parks, saying hello to every stranger passing by. He was kissing Mary's belly when she was pregnant with Sammy, telling everyone he will have a little baby brother and he will be the best elder one in the entire planet. But then Sam was born and they left him with **this** man. At first they probably thought he changed because of the baby. He wasn't the only child, John was drinking more and more and Mary had to take care of two boys, the house and her soon-to-be-alcoholic husband. But then she _saw_ him, wounded child laying barely conscious on the bed shining with his own blood and His sperm. He most likely had bruises on his hips and thighs from where he was trying to fight at first, so there was no possibility to not know what happened out there. She knew He was the only one in the house with Dean and Sam, so what could she thought? Apparently something completely else, because she gave him a bath and put him back into bed, destroying his already broken sense of safety. And yet part of him still believes she didn't have other choice, that there was a reason why she acted like she did. Even if this faith is killing him from the inside.  
The time in the garage is passing paintfuly slow or maybe he's just working in some furious pace. By the time he's done with the third car, it's only ten fourty and there's no way he will sit for four or five hours and do nothing. He has to work, he has to be distracted every second of every day 'till the end of this nightmare. He has no idea how he's going to look at Him, talk with His eyes locked on his face and analysing every words that comes out off his mouth. How he's going to face his parents when he hasn't seen them since his visit in the hospital? It seems so surrealistic, he can't believe that's how his life looks now. And it will be only worse after the press and television finds out who's the victim.  
" Dean! C'mere, you fucking bastard!" Familar voice breaks right into his thoughts, forcing his mind back into reality. He frozes, recognising the alcohol rage he was listening to most of his life. He was sure something bad will happen, but why that from all the things? He wants to move, do _anything_ , but his body is so weak and heavy he can't even move a finger. He hears footsteps near his legs and then a strong hand yanks him by his ankle from under the car. And he's finally able to see his father. He's wearing dirty clothes, his beard and hair are messy and it's obvious he was drinking non stop for at least three days. Dean knows exactly how John looks like in each step of his "party" which he's organising with himself only.  
"You think you can drag me and your damn mother to court? Wanna put us in jail because you were a fucking whore?! What kind of son are you?!"  
He feels hot tears on his cheeks as he completely loses contact with the actual world. He's a scared five year old boy in the middle of his old room, pinned to the mattres by the body far larger than his own. He can see His face, every little detail so well kept in his memory he won't forget it even in million years. The pain seems so real, terrible burn spreading through his back and stomach. **The man** forces him to look, to keep his eyes open if he doesn't want Sammy to take his place. And Sammy is just a baby, he's barely six months old, and Dean has to protect him, because that's his job. That's his responsibility as a big brother. So he takes it all - the pain and humiliation, the future full of one-night stands and self-confidence issues, and PTSD and the constant fear of being touched like this again. He endures it all, because even if he's saving everyone. there is _no one_ to save him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty proud of this one, so I truly hope you will enjoy it as well. It's probably the first chapter with so little dialogues, thanks to my not-good state of mind today. Sorry for being so cruel to Dean, unfortunately there is more coming up. As always, all kudos and comments will be strongly appreciated.


	6. A drama too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Castiel will scream and throwing stuff, he will say horrible things - things he would never say in the normal situation and he will thread to kill himself if he thinks Dean wants to leave. And he will mean it, he will surely try._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little announcement: As I'm moving to the beautiful city of York in England just in a few days, I may be having a hard time writing for the next two weeks. I'll still try to update this at least once and I will work on some writing schedule once I know how my duties there will look like. But hopefully it will improve my English quickly and the story will become better than it is now!

###### Dean

Everything is so blurry, so far away it feels like he's drowning in the worst memories burried in his brain. He's not quite sure what's going on, but he knows John is calling him names. Or maybe not him, maybe someone else is here too, but he can't be sure. He still sees **the man** panting above him, rough hands gripping his narrow hips so tight is hurts. But it's not right, not right at all, because he is not a child anymore. Is he? The touch seems real, the pain _is_ real - how is it possible it's not happening?  
"...and I don't wanna see your drunk face here, ya idjit! I will call the cops next time!"  
This voice belongs to Bobby, it's certainly does, but why is Bobby in his bedroom? He doesn't know about any of this, so how can he be there? And who's he talking to? John or **Him**? _What is wrong?_  
" Dean, you alright?" It's the touch what's finally breaking his delusion and yankes him back to the real world. This touch is different, gentle and loving, but it doesn't really matter. Dean's body reacts on its own and before man can stop himself, his fist flies straight onto Bobby's jaw. He then curles himself to seem smaller, hands wrapped around his stomach and shoulder as low as he managed to lower them. He closes his eyes as it can help in any way, yet it's better than crying. His cheeks are already covered in tears, if he could he would cry for years without any break. But he can't, because there are people who need him. Castiel and Sammy need him to be strong, so he is. Or at least pretending - he's a very good actor when it comes to this. And this is time to act.  
"I'm so sorry, Bobby. I didn't mean to, it was an impuls." He says quietly after ten or fifteen minutes as he stands up an wipes his face with some paper towels laying around. Elder man just waves a hand at him, clearly not mad or anything, but it doesn't mean Dean is not mad at himself. He shouldn't have hit Bobby. He should control himself better, it can't happen ever again. What if it was Sam? Or Cas?  
"Forget it, boy. I didn' know he will show, sorry for that... "  
"Why did you came here anyway? Something's wrong?"  
Man sighs, thinking about something for couple of minutes.  
"Well... Your boy's teacher called, told it's an emergency. But you should call his brother, Dean. Go home and get some rest."  
Dean doesn't need anything else. He heads towards the car without a word, cursing in his mind the whole day and his bad luck. He knew this morning was just _too good_ to be true, it's always something waiting for the moments like this to destroy them, broke into a small pieces. He drives far too fast - glad there is no police around - wondering how is Castiel. He hopes it's just some bullies making fun of him. Not that he wants Cas to be bullied, but this is better than another suicide attempt or panic attack. He can deal with the other kids, but today he can _not_ deal with Castiel. He should be constantly prepared, he's aware of that, but the meeting John so suddenly caused him to lose his self control completely. He's a wreck right now, but boy won't see it if he's upset. He won't see anything except his anger and fear, Dean's sure of that. Meg warned him it will take place at some point. Arguing with someone with BPD is not easy, it's rather difficult as hell. Castiel will scream and throwing stuff, he will say horrible things - things he would _never_ say in the normal situation and he will thread to kill himself if he thinks Dean wants to leave. And he will mean it, he will surely try. Most likely, but man hopes any of this won't happen.

_\-------------------------------------------_

He gets off the car and runs toward the school enter where well looking brunette is waiting for him. They know each other for a long time and it would be really akward if it wasn't about Cas. She quickly tolds him to follow her and he does, anxiety hazing the rational part of his brain. He just wants to make sure boy is okay. Whole and alive, that's important.  
" You fucking liar, get the hell out of here!" Dean walks in only to be welcome by the chair flying in his direction. He puts himself out of the way, lifting his hands in surrender and locking his eyes with Castiel's. Boy looks terrible - face red and wet, blood dripping from the knuckles and man isn't sure whose blood it is. Dean taked a deep breath and grabs Cas' hands into his own. "It's your fault! You stupid son of a bitch, I fucking hate you! You're just a fucking piece of shit, get your hands off me!"  
He gets kick in the knee and it hurts, but he's sure Castiel would never mean to hurt him. It's just his illness talking, not a big deal. He doesn't think that way, he can't be... He doesn't, right? Then why it breaks his heart? Dean sees two police officers, walking in their direction. He turned his head to look at Lisa, Castiel's teacher, but she only sends him a weak smile. One of the policemen breaks them apart and puts a handcuffs on boy's wrists. They are talking, but Dean can't regonise the words. They just arrest Cas. Dean had to take care of him and now they will take the boy to the police station. Michael is going to kill him, that's for sure. It's the worst day in the history of worst days ever. It can't be true.  
"I... I need to go with him." He whispers, but no one is listening too busy fighting with black haired boy. "I need to go with him, please." He repeats, louder this time and the policeman turns his head towards him in confusion.  
"You can meet us at the station if you insist."  
"No. You don't understand, I need to go _with_ him."  
" I'm sorry, that's not possible."  
This is so bad. It can't be happening, what should he do now? He can't just leave him with two strangers. Why this bitch had to call the police? She supposed to call him, only him and Michael maybe, but only them and no one else. She knew boy's sick, she had to know. He watches as they take Castiel away, followed by the gaze of the other students who happen to have a break right now. He knows boy is calm now, he sees the disorientation on his pale face and this scared, blue eyes looking for him. He runs towards them before they have a chance to force boy into the car.  
"Dean, don't leave me. I'm so sorry, I didn't hate you. Please... You can't leave."  
Castiel is crying again, breath sharp and quick as he most likely tries to control himself at least a little bit. Dean kisses his forehead, just a gentle brush of lips against hot skin. He takes boy into his arms, hugging him close even thought it hurts to be touched right now. He tries to forget about his own struggles, because he's not important. He can deal with it and Cas is just a kid and has to be protected.  
"It's okay, baby. I'm not leaving. I'll see you at the police station, it's just a few minutes ride. I will call Blathazar, alright? He will help." He takes a step back, watching as the police helps the boy slid onto the backseat.  
"No! Stay with me, please, stay. I need you, Dean! I swear to God I'll kill myself if you go away right now!"  
"I'm not leaving, I'll be there. I promise."  
And he walks away. He sits in his precious Impala, fighting the urge to cry, because he's the grown up here. He can't show any weakness. So he does what the grown ups do - he takes the cell phone and calls Balthazar to let him know what happened. Man promises to meet Dean in place, but Dean isn't sure if he wants to go. He should though, he knows he should, because Castiel needs him. But the only thing he _wants_ is to find some bar and get wasted. He needs to feel nothing, just this once. 

###### Castiel

He doesn't know how it happened, it just did somehow. He really wanted to get better, he thought he can do it, because Dean said he can. Turns out he can't.  
He walked into the class, feeling intensive gazes on his exposed skin. There were whispers and laughs and Castiel was sure it's because of him. Because of his scars he showed for the first time in public. The fact he ate all of this things for breakfast didn't help at all. He suddenly started feeling so disgusting and worthless, like he just did some huge mistake. And he knew this mistake was thinking he actually can ever recover, that things can get better. Turns out they can't.  
He's relatively okay until ten, but then he really don't know... Something just broke inside his mind. This kid, who hates Castiel since the very beginning , was sitting right behind him and just kept talking and making comments. He was just saying to his friends about how awful it is to be engaged with someone older, that it's always about the money or because the other one is some kind of perv. And that was enough. They could talk anything about him, but not about Dean. So he stood up and hit the boy right into his nose with a clenched fist. Then he hit him again and again, maybe a little bit too hard or a couple more times than he should. He's been pushed away by Miss Brandeen and she told the class to leave before she called the police. After a while, she called Dean.  
He didn't mean to hurt Dean or tell this horrible things, but when he saw this beautiful eyes and perfect face, and the way he was looking at his teacher it was too much. He felt betrayed and stupid, because it was all Dean's fault. He shouldn't have told this lies to him. He shouldn't gave him a faith.  
And now he's alone at the police station, dizzy from tears and effort he put himself through. It's too much for his weak body, he knows, but he can't stop crying, because Dean left him. He promised he'll be there, but Castiel is waiting for hours and he's still not here. He lied and then he ran away. It's nothing suprising, boy was expecting it will happen soon enough, but it still hurts. It hurts so much, his whole sould is aching like if it was ripping piece by piece until nothing's left. He would kill himself already if not for this stupid hancuffs. Policeman is talking or maybe asking some questions, but Castiel decided he won't talk. He won't talk to anyone about anything. That's his defense mechanism from when he was a little boy and he has never felt the need to use it until now. But now Dean is gone and Castiel's world ended.  
"...Yes, I'm his brother. His guardian can't come, he's out off town working. Can I take him home?"  
He turns his head to see Balthazar walking in his direction. He seems worried, but also angry and Castiel hopes this anger is not meant for him. Police lets him free and his older brother holds him close, whispering soothing words into his ear. He takes boy to the car and help him to get inside. Castiel takes his hand to let him know he's scared. He wants to ask about Dean, but his voice is lost for good and he just can't, no matter how hard he tries.  
" I know, Cassie. Gabriel's looking for him now and when he will succeed, I'll beat the crap out of him." He wrapps an arm around Castiel's shoulder, while driving them home. Not the family house, but boy's real home where he lives with Dean. Or lived. Sam is probably still in the kitchen surrounded by his books, unaware of what happened. He will be angry at him, Castiel's sure of that, seeing that Dean is his real brother. Castiel is not and never will be a Winchester. He just messes up in their lifes and he knows Sam hates him for that. He should never agreed to move in with them, he should stay home and die alone, like he will in just a couple more minutes. And this time he will try harder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this. I know I'm a bad person and Dean doesn't deserve this. I just had this need to destroy something and I really shouldn't have watched the new episode of Grey's Anatomy before writing anything.


	7. Lost and found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this! I apologise for the mistakes, I hope there aren't many of them, but who knows.

###### Castiel

They walked in the apartament, Castiel gripping Balthazar's shirt in his clenched fist. Man is holding him close and gently pets his arm in a comforting manner, because he somehow knows how much Dean means to him. Sam is sitting on the floor, phone in his hands.  
"You are Sam, I suppose?" Balthazar asks, raising an eyebrow. Sam immediately stands up, looking at them in cofusion. He has no idea who this man is, he has never seen any of Castiel's siblings. Boy wants to explain everything, he wants to say Dean left and no one knows where he is, but he can't talk.  
"Where is Dean?" He completely ignores the question, eyes locked on Castiel. He sounds angry, really angry like he intents to hit Cas right into face or shoved him against the wall. It's all his fault, Dean's gone because of his stupid behaviour. "Where is he, Cas?!"  
It hurts. Sam's screaming so loud his ears might explode every second, but it still doesn't mean he's going to respond. He won't do it. Even if he could, what would he possibly say? Dean is... was his only reason to exist, his cure for all the diseases that are destroying his mind and body. And now he doesn't see any way to make this work. He doesn't have anything to live for, seeing that Dean won't come back. He saw the real Castiel and now he doesn't want him anymore. Not that he didn't expect things will end like this.  
"We don't know where he is, our brother is looking for him. Now calm your voice, would you? You're scaring Castiel."  
"Calm my voice? You have no idea what Dean went through, so don't tell me to calm my fucking voice!" He takes a deep breath, taking a brief look at Balthazar before his gaze is back on young boy's face. "Get out. And don't come back until you pull yourself together. It's over, you hear me?"  
It like Sam's words go straight to his heart and stabbs it so many times he forgots how to feel. He's just standing there, in the middle of the living room where he and Dean did things no one except them should ever know about. They were cuddling on this very couch, lazily making out or just rutting against one another until they were both so lost in pleasure they couldn't hold back anymore. They were so happy, Dean teaching Castiel about movies and tv shows, sharing his favourite pie just enough for boy to taste it well, but not enough to make him feel bad about eating. This are the only good memories boy will ever have and now they are as paintful as the other ones.  
Castiel feels hot tears on his face for the hundred time today, but he just can't help it. They had a good life together before Sam walked in, demanding justice for his big brother. Of course, justice was nescessery, but not the way they did that. Dean should've been more prepared - if he was, they wouldn't be in this position now. So whose fault it really is?  
"Michael is paying for this place, you can't throw him away, baby boy. You don't even live here anymore."  
"Don't you see it? It's only been a few days and look what's going on! Their relationship is toxic, they are killing each other!"  
It hurts like hell, because Cas knows man is right. They are no good together and they never were, it was just an illusion. Dean was probably just sorry for him and that's why it all happened. There is no way the man like Dean Winchester would want someone like Castiel. Balthazar doesn't say anything, he's just huggin his little brother tight, probably feeling his abnormaly fast heartbeat.  
"I meant it, Castiel. I'm sorry, but you have to leave him alone. Please... Just get out before he comes back. " Sam is talking after that, but Castiel's mind decides it's enough. He's closed in his private world like he used to do while Lucifer's was with him. He can't hear, speak or see anything outside which makes him completely vulnerable, but it's just easier this way. No one can hurt him. They can make him bleed, but his body is strong enough to get through it. His psyche doesn't. He tries to remember how it felt to kiss Dean for the first time. How it was to feel his warm hands cherishing every part of him, like he was the most precious person in man's life. How it was to talk without fear about everything, even his suicide plans or any other depressing thoughts burried inside his head. How it was to be loved for the very first time, not because you suppose to love your little brother, but because they felt so perfect together. He's curled into a ball on the floor, screaming from mental pain, but he doesn't know that. In his dream he's with Dean on a soft grass, completely safe and relaxed.

###### Dean

He didn't make it to the bar. He wanted to, but the thought of Sammy and Cas probably frightened by his dissapearance was enough to stop him. He didn't make it to the police station either, even though every cell in his body hates him right now. Instead of everything else, he spent two hours sitting in baby in front of the hospital in which he and Castiel met. Maybe doctor Masters discharged him too fast, maybe he just isn't ready yet - even after three years - to start a normal life. What does that actually means? The only thing he knows is alcohol, yelling and sex. Disgusting, free of any feelings except pain and no good at all sex. He hates the man who hurt him and he hates his parents for letting that happen. But while he can hate His, he can't just hate Mary and John. He loves them, but he's pretty sure they doesn't love him back. Neither him, nor Sammy.  
He walked in and then talks with Meg for hours. He apologises for the visits he missed on purpose and for what he did to Cas and she tries to advise him what to do next. He's not sure how long exactly he's been there, when he cames back to the car it's already dark outside. It feels better, but not utterly good, because of the knowledge he let his boyfriend down. They probably aren't together anymore, Castiel most likely hates him and Balthazar took his things and forced him to go to his old house. _Or he's already dead._ But he can't be, because that would be Dean's fault and he couldn't live with that burden.  
" Dean Winchester?!" He feels hard slap on the face before he has any chance to answer. There is a quite handsome looking guy standing in front of him with rage written all over his face. His face is somehow familiar, like he has seen this man before, but he has no idea where and when. "That was for my little brother."  
Of course, that was so obvious. Dean drops his head and looks at his feet, feeling completely ashamed of what he did. Or what he didn't do.  
"I had to see my psychiatrist." He explains, not sure why at all. "Is Cas okay?"  
"I wouldn't count on that. He's in your place, so come on."  
Stranger, Gabriel if Dean remembers correctly, slid into Impala, clearly waiting for Dean to get in and drive them. And that's what Dean does, completely forgetting about speed limit or the red lights. He has to make things right and see if Castiel didn't hurt himself. He doesn't wait for the other man when they are finally in front of the apartment house, he just storms right to their floor and opens the door.  
Black haired boy is kneeling on the floor, hands covering his ears and his face his all red from crying probably. He's moaning pathetically, his voice wrecked like his been screaming for a while before. But it's not possible, because Castiel doesn't even raise his voice above whispers. Balthazar is right by his side, trying to calm his brother down.  
"Dean!" Sam huggs him tight, sighing in relief. Dean can't even imagine what kind of images were in Sam's head while he was gone. He was most likely thinking someone will find him completely drunk in a dark part of the city, maybe beaten up or raped. Supoosedly victims of sexual abuse in childhood are more exposed to be victims in their adult lifes as well, so it wouldn't be suprising.  
"I'm so sorry, Sammy. I should have called, I just... I am okay now, promise."  
"Get your fucking hands off him, Balthazar." Gabriel walks into the room, heading to his siblings. He seems still angry, like hitting Dean didn't quite work the way he wanted it to. The older man stands up, looking at him. And Dean thinks it's definitely not their first argument including Castiel.  
"I prefer you not starting a fight in front of the strangers."  
"I prefer you not pretending like your a good brother, when you're just like our father. " He pushes Balthazar aside, as far from boy as he can. He then kneels in front of him, taking his face into his hands. Castiel look at him, or maybe just his eyes finds familiar face, but it's like he's not even here. Like he's someplace else, far away from this room or maybe even this city. "Hey, Cassie... I need you to come back to me, little angel. I know you can hear me, I brought you a present. Be a good boy and take a look, okay?"  
He kisses Cas' forehead and Dean heart melts at the sight of it. It's something they have, something he has with Sammy, the bond so strong it can't be broken by anything. Gabriel's whispering soothing words for another ten minutes with a great patience, careful not to change the tone of his voice. Dean had no idea they are so close, Castiel didn't talk much about his family. He just told Dean they don't love him trully, but... Well, how can Dean believe that if he has he proof it's a lie? Castiel may believe in that, but so obvious for others Gabriel really loves and cares about him.  
"...You don't have to talk if you don't want to, Cassie. Just come back, I need you here. I need to know you're still there, please." Cas blinks and Gabriel smiles at this. "You doing great, brother. I found Dean for you, you see? "  
"Dean...?"  
"Yeah, he's here. Can you stand up for me? Dean is right here, angel. He won't leave."  
Boy nods and Dean observes how gently the elder man is holding his body when they stand up. He kisses his brother once again, stroking his messy hair as they both look at Dean in the same time. Dean doesn't like being stared at, but he keeps his mouth shut.  
"I'm sorry, Cas..."  
"Dean." It's Castiel's only answer before his face lighten up and he runs towards Dean, pressisng their lips together. Man returns the kiss immediately, ignoring the fact they aren't alone and this really shouldn't happen. It's seems like Novaks don't mind though - Balthazar is leaning against the wall and Gabriel has his eyes on him. The kiss lasts maybe a half of minute before Castiel burries his head in the crook of Dean's neck and grabbing his jacket hard in his bruised hands.  
"Get out of my sight, Balth. Don't you dare be around him."  
It's like Gabriel completely stops caring after he made sure Castiel is alright, like he's a totally different person.  
"He's my brother, of course I _will_ be around him!"  
" No, you won't. Go back to your damn England and leave him alone, like you did when he needed you."  
"Gabriel, this is riddiculous, you know it wasn't--"  
"It wasn't what?! You know what was happening and you fucking left!"  
Castiel is shivering in his arms, mumbling under his breath. Dean openes his mouth to say something, but he hears Sammy's voice before he can form a sentence.  
"I think you should go home. Both of you." Sam is sending him a meaningful look, pushing men towards the door. Gabriel takes a look at Cas and mutters quiet apologies before they leave. "I... I'm going to buy some food." It's a lie, but Dean doesn't care. He smiles at Sammy and when they are finally alone with Castiel, he sits on the couch, dragging boy on his lap.  
"I'm sorry, baby. I just couldn't... It was too much for me, I had a really bad day."  
"I love you."  
"I love you too, Cas. Remember this, okay? I won't stop loving you."  
Boy only nods, curling himself into Dean's chest. Man can't say if he's actually that calm or he just pretends. Why isn't he mad? Dean expected him to be furious, he expected another fight and there is nothing. Like nothing happened. But he just goes with it, knowing how quickly boy's mood can change. He had no idea it would be that hard. Dean feels like his problems are so small comparing to Cas'. He's alright most of the times and he can have a normal life. Well, at least he can try to have a normal life - he doesn't know what it means just yet. He can't help, but wondering if boy will ever be better, because every time he's making any progress there is one second when he takes ten steps back and it's worse than before. One little part of Dean's brain wants him to stay bad. He doesn't want to admit it even to himself, but he feels safe with boy's mood swings so familiar to the instability which has been filling his life since he was four. It's terrible wish, but he doesn't know anymore how to do anything else besides taking care of this broken child on his laps. He needs so bad to be needed.


	8. Trip into the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _  
> " Do you have any idea what have you done to your son? You should be protecting him, not letting some creep raping him in front of your eyes! You know how broken he is because of you, you fucking bastards?!"  
>  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long! A lot of things is going on right now. I'll try to post every week or every second week at least. Also my apologise for this chapter really, I don't know if it's good at all. But I will do better next time!  
> Thanks for comments and kudos, I really apprecciate every on of them.

###### Dean

It's the worst day of his life and it's only eight in the morning. Today is the trial day, which suprisingly is far more paintful than the actual molestation. Dean used to physical pain and the shame that have came after His every visit, but repeating every little detail in front of strangers? And in front of Cas and Sammy, and his parents, and friends? That's a complete disaster. The three of them are standing right next to the door, Dean walking around the hall to calm his nerves at least a little bit. He feels Cas' worried expression on his face and hears Sam talking with Balthazar about the defense strategy. This is odd and terrible - Balthazar doesn't talk to Castiel and Castiel doesn't talk to _anyone_ except Dean. And even then he says only simple words, not bothers with forming a sentence. It's just " yes" or "no" or quick "I love you", but he's keeping his distance and it hurts like hell. Man knows he screwed up really bad and boy is paying for his mistakes. He's lost some weight again and Dean can swear he saw the new scars yesterday evening, when he accidentally came into the bathroom when Cas was taking a shower. Like he didn't have enough things to blame himself for.  
He sees John with Mary and somehow Castiel is in front of them in no time, rage clearly visible all over his face. Sam and Balthazar stops talking, waiting for anything to happen and Dean feels his heart beating so fast like he's just ran a marathon.  
"Do you have any idea what have you done to your son? You should be protecting him, not letting some creep raping him in front of your eyes! You know how broken he is because of you, you fucking bastards?! I could kill you right now, make you suffer the way he--"  
"Castiel!" Dean observes how boy's body tries to make himself look smaller, he almost kneels on the floor with head dropped. And then he saw the tall man with a smirk on his face and this terrifying eyes full of bloodlust. "You know, threats like that are a crime. You deserve a punishment, little princess. That's you boyfriend, right?"  
Man strokes Dean's cheek with his finger, before he turns his head back to Castiel.  
"He knows what you did?" Castiel shakes his head no, almost crying at this point and Dean saw Balthazar's writing something on his phone instead of defending his brother. He should do anything, but he's too afraid, because that man is so much alike Him. He can't move or speak, completely paralized with fear. "Tell him."  
"I killed mommy..."  
"And what makes you think you better than them, huh?" Man who must be Lucifer - Dean is sure of that now - grabs boy's chin and forces his head up. "You are the killer, they are just stupid. So who should be dead in here?"  
"Me."  
"Yeah, you. Don't forget about that."  
Before he can stop himself, he hits the man with his clenched fist. What kind of person's saying things like that to his own brother? Or to anyone in that matter? And the worst part is that Castiel's answer was so quick he had to really believe it, like... Dean was hoping their relationship would help him forget about the suicide, but turned out he never did. And probably won't, not if Dean can't provide him a happiness he deserves. It's the thousand time he thinks they shouldn't be together and it's hurts even more every time.  
"Good luck with Alastair, kid." He says, sending Dean an evil look before he dissapears somewhere. Dean wrapps his arm around Castiel's waist, but the only thing he gets is a gentle smile. Beautiful blue eyes are full of tears, but none of them's going anywhere. Boy probably learnt long time ago how to keep them in place.  
"Cas, are you--"  
"I'm fine, Dean." And he puts his emotionless mask once again, glaring at Mary and John Winchesters like they were the worst criminals on Earth. They are both clearly confused by the scene they've witnessed just now. "Well, if I'm already a killer, I can be a serial one."  
Man has to use all his strenght to stop Castiel from moving. _How is he even this strong anyway? John takes a step forward, anger written all over his face. And that's the moment they are called inside._  
" Come on, Dean." Balthazar shows him to come in, grabbing Castiel's arm. They are whispering something for a couple of minutes during which Dean can't really force himself to move. It's Sam who finally draggs him to the courtroom.  
**The man** is already sitting there, completely relaxed with this grin on his face Dean won't be ever able to forget. His legs stop working and suddenly air is so heavy he can't breathe.  
He's in his bedroom and it's dark, the only thing he feels is fear and cold hands on his young body.  
_Focus, Dean. You're in the court._  
Every second hurts even more when something's big is beign pushed in one quick movement.  
_Stop thinking. He can't hurt you._  
When He moves it's like an agony, like he's ripping apart piece by piece.  
_Don't let him win now._  
He wants to scream, but there is a hand on his mouth.  
_Sammy needs you to be strong._  
Then it's this final thrust and loud groan before he feels all wet inside.  
He kisses him gently, like you probably kiss your wife or husband.  
He smacks his butt, telling him to clean himself up.  
He leaves him alone, used and frightened.  
And he does it again and again, and again.  
Sixteen years and he never says anything to stop him.  
_Why didn't you just tell him to stop?_

" Come on." He hears Balthazar's voice again, firm enough to break his too real memories. As they take their places, Dean can easily feel everyone's looks on focused on his face. Most people are his friends, there's no doubt about that fact. But man hopes that it won't matter, because if He comes out of here - he will be dead. His body will function like it always does, but he won't make it. If **this** man'll make it out from here free, Dean's mind and soul will be both gone. For good.  
\---------------------------------------------- 

" Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"  
"I do, absolutely."  
"Mister Alastair, you're accused of molestation on a minor and rape on Dean Winchester, do you understand that?"  
"Of course I understand."  
"Do you want to tell something in your defense?"  
"I really don't. I've never done anything he hasn't wanted me to. Maybe I did some stupid things when he was underage, but rape? He begged me for this and now he's ashamed in front of his new boyfriend. I won't tell anything else."  
*  
"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth under pains and penalties of perjury?"  
"Yes. Yes, I do."  
"Mister Winchester, please tell us something about what happened on May the 2nd, 1993."  
"My mother went into labor so they left me with their friend, because I was too young to go with them."  
"By friend you mean George Alastair?"  
"Yes. It was the first time I was left alone with him, but I've known him before. He put me to bed and I feel asleep, but around eleven he woke me up to tell that Sammy's been born. Then he..."  
"Then he what?"  
"He said: That's good, they won't be so busy with you anymore. And he slid his hand into my pants to touch my butt."  
"And what did you do?"  
"I told him I don't like it, because his hand was cold. But I didn't really understand what he was doing."  
"Did you tell him to stop?"  
"Objection, my client was four years old. It's irrelevant what he said."  
"Please ask different question."  
"Okay, so maybe we try again... Why did he said when you've told him you didn't like it?"  
"_You will learn how to like it soon enough or I will try with your baby brother._ That's why I le--"  
" Please answer only my questions, Mister Winchester. Did George Alastair rape you?"  
"Yes... He did, when Sammy was six months old. He was babysitting us, because my mother went to the grocery shop and my father was outside the house."  
"Continue."  
"He, em... I put Sammy to bed and went to my room, and he was waiting for me. I told him I want to sleep, but he laughed and took my clothes off. Then he throw me onto the bed and I saw him undoing his jeans and he told me if I wake up Sammy he will hurt him. So I was still the whole time."  
"Could you elaborate a little bit?"  
"Of course I can. I was still when he kissed me, and when he fucked me without any preparation until he came in my ass, and I remained still when he left me like that because I couldn't move. And I'm sorry I was so afraid I haven't fought a man who could kill me with a single punch if he wanted. I am so sorry I was just a fucking kid when he did all of that, because it would be easier for you to let him go if I wasn't. Is that what you wanted to hear?!"  
"Why didn't you stop him when you were older? Why didn't you call the police?"  
"I've tried... But he caught me and went straight to Sammy's room, and he was going to... I couldn't let this happen. Sam's my little brother, he didn't deserve that."  
"No further questions for now, you honour."  
*  
"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"  
"I do."  
"Tell us something about your relationship with Mister Alastair."  
"There is no relationship. He used to babysit us sometimes, but Dean was the one who's taking care of me then. Alastair was just watching u... He was watching Dean."  
"Were you aware of what is happening between your brother and Mister Alastair?"  
"I wasn't. Dean told me, cause I kept asking about his bruises and strange behaviour."  
"And what did you do?"  
"I begged him to go to the police or tell mom, but he said he can't. And he forbid to say anything to Alastair. He also said he will try some therapy when I'll be old enough. I was fourteen and he didn't want to left me alone with our parents, because they're always fighting. We've never talked about this again."  
"No more questions for a witness, your honour."  
*  
"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"  
"Yes..."  
"Miss Winchester, your son claims that you knew about the fact that Gregory Allistar was molesting him for sixteen years. Is this true?"  
"No, I haven--... I didn't know, I thought..."  
"But you found him 2nd October 1993 covered in blood and sperm. What else could you possibly think? Did you even bother to ask him what happened?"  
"I'm not... Oh God, he was such a beautiful child... But we needed George... He helped us, we'd be homeless without him."  
"So let me ask you one more time: Is it true that you know about the molestation?"  
"...yes."  
*  
"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"  
"Mister Winchester, you're an alcoholic, am I correct?"  
"If you say so."  
"Were you present when on July 26th 1998 Gregory Allistar forced your son to oral sex and then raped him?"  
"Maybe, I don't remember."  
"But you are fully aware this thing took place in your house?"  
"Yeah, I am."  
"Why didn't you react?"  
"Dean didn't seem to mind that much."  
"Are you telling that your nine years old son was okay with having sex with Mister Alastair?"  
"Maybe. I don't know, he never asked him to stop."  
*  
"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"  
"I do."  
"Miss Bradeen, you were Dean's teacher in high school. Is that correct?"  
"I was. Until he drop the school year before graduation."  
"What can you tell us about him?"  
"Well... He wasn't a great student, it seemed like he wasn't paying attention to his classes. He's never had any friends for as far as I know, but he's got plenty of girls. He didn't like to be touched though. I guess that was his defence mechanism."  
"Did you know about the molestation?"  
"No, I had no idea. I found out when Mister Novak asked to testify."  
"How do you know Mister Winchester didn't like to be touched?"  
"I--... Um, we were having an affair. When he wasn't my student anymore. That's how I know. He was always sweet and charming, but when someone went too close he just ran away. He never talked about himself, he actually didn't like to talk at all. And he didn't like when I was holding his hand or hugging him, he always jumped off when I did these things."  
"And you didn't wonder why?"  
"I did, but he said he just don't like. That it brings back bad memories. He stopped talking to me after that."


	9. Dying flowers in the garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _His hand freezes before knife has a chance to touch his skin. Something's different about this time, he doesn't feel like it. He doesn't want to hurt himself at all and that's very unusual._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for delay, but I'm back! And hope this one is better. Many thanks to my amazing beta @thefangirlingbread and everyone reading this, you're awesome!

Everything is far worse than he expected. They going to send Alastair to prison (or not) tomorrow, but Dean can't force himself to be happy about that. The price of that was too high. He's lying in his bed alone for the first time since he and Castiel became a couple. And now Castiel is gone.  
He closes his eyes, trying not to cry. He's so angry at himself he might start thinking about something stupid. About something his boyfriend couldn't stop thinking about. Dean knows he tried, he saw Castiel struggling for so long until he broke. He can't blame Castiel for what he did. He wants to blame him, but he can't. It wasn't his fault at all, he's still just a kid.  
It was Sammy's fault.  
And that hurts more than anything. 

 

 __  
Two weeks earlier

 

"You told him to do what? What the fuck is wrong with you, Sam?!" Dean finds himself throwing a pillow towards his younger brother. He's never been so angry at him in his entire life. He actually never got angry at his little Sammy before. And it seems like Sammy's as much surprised as he is.  
"Dean, but look at you... Look What he's done to you! You're only getting worse, both of you! It's not good for you! He's not good enough for you!"  
"Shut up. Don't you dare say things like that about him, you hear me?"  
"I'm only telling the truth and you know it. He will kill himself anyway! You really think your love would be enough to fix him? There's not a single thing about him that is normal. You saw his brother today! Dean, he will be dead soon. I don't want you of all people to watch this happen."  
"Get out of my house, Samuel."  
"What?"  
"Get out now. "  
Sam opens his mouth few times, but he clearly can't think of anything to say. Older man tries with all his strength not to shove his brother against the wall and get his fist connected with Sammy's face, because who says things like that? Not that they're not true, but you just not supposed to talk about this. Castiel is sick, it's just that simple. He doesn't mean to hurt himself, not really. It's not fully intenual, he doesn't seem to know any other way to deal with his pain.   
And Dean gets that, because Castiel's blade against his skin is Dean's quick fucking in some alley or bathroom. With the difference that Dean has stopped and Castiel never has. They're both addicts, but Dean's in recovery already. Cas helped him and he doesn't seem to do the same thing for the boy. He keeps thinking that everything will be different after the trial, when they will finally be able to get closer.   
But that's his addiction talking and he forces himself not to listen.   
Because they truth is he wanted to fuck Castiel since their first meeting in the hospital and that's just sick.  
"See you in court, Dean." Sam's voice breaks his thoughts so brutally it almost hurts.  
"I don't wanna see you. No until you apologise."  
"Whatever. See you there."  
He's left alone - at least that's what he thinks for a second, but then he remembers. Realisation hits him even harder when he hears the door lock being shut. And before he's even near the bathroom, he hears another sound. The sound he's never wanted to hear.  
Knife hitting the cold bathroom floor.  
He calls 911, cause he already know what happened.

###### Castiel

Boy wonders if Sam ever had a chance to find out how badly words can hurt. Seems like he doesn't even think, he just says whatever crosses his mind. Castiel is almost sure Sam knows he can hear every single word. Every sentence. He can't stand the thought of being the reason Dean is throwing his own brother away. Dean may love him, but Sammy's the most important person in his life and no one should ruin that.  
He locks the bathroom door and takes his knife, the only one he managed to keep after Dean told him to get rid off the rest of them. The knife Lucifer's given him for his seventh birthday with the note _"Use it."_ Sam was right after all - there is nothing normal about him. Not a single thing. And he will be dead soon. Very soon.  
" Calm down, Castiel. He will be better without you." He says to himself, taking a deep breath. He's taking a bath, perfect place to end it. It will be easier for them to clean his blood after. "You've done it so many times already... Come on."  
His hand freezes before knife has a chance to touch his skin. Something's different about this time, he doesn't feel like it. He doesn't want to hurt himself at all and that's very unusual. He can't stop thinking about Dean.  
Dean's hand holding his body.  
Dean's lips on his own.  
Dean's body pressed to his back at night.  
Dean's breath against his neck.  
He can't leave Dean.  
"But I have to." He whispers eventually, cutting his skin and watching as water is slowly turning red until he faints.

 

\----------------------

 

He's in the hospital for two weeks and they don't want to let him out. Doctor Masters states his emotionally unstable and he shouldn't decide about himself. Dean visits her everyday, listening to these lies and he truly believes her. He believes Castiel isn't normal, he believes Castiel is weak. It's been two weeks he's constantly on drugs. They're giving him so much he's barely conscious. Antidepressants, vitamins, IV, painkillers, something for anxiety, something to calm him down, something to do something else. They don't treat him better anymore, cause he's not a little kid. There is no special treatment for patients like him. Especially when they come back for the third time.  
He can't believe he doesn't even know how to kill himself right. What a fucking failure.   
"Cas, you're coming home." Familiar voice reaches his ears, but these words are so weird. There is no way he heard correct. "Come on. Let's get you out of here, okay?"  
Strong hands wrap around his body, lifting him up. He gained some weight lying the whole time and being feeded with these disgusting food, but he's still skinny. His bones are still there along with the new scars. Two perfect lines, one on each forearm.  
He must've fallen asleep, because when he opens his eyes it seems like he's back home again. He's lying on his and Dean's bed under a thick blanket with someone petting his hair. Dean petting his hair.  
"Shh... It's okay, Cas. Just wait till the meds stop working, it's alright. We will talk later." Thw man says, probably seeing Castiel struggling to say something. Boy shakes his head stubbornly, because he needs to talk, and he needs to talk now.  
"Dean, m'sorry..."   
His voice is harsh and broken for not being used this whole time.  
"It's okay, baby. Don't think about that. You're here now, you're home."  
"Dean... P-please."  
"What do you need? Water? Bathroom?"  
Castiel smiles weakly, because Dean seems so innocent right now. There is one thing he needs, the thing he needed for a long time now, but he can't decide if he should ask about that. But what exactly does he have to lose?  
"You. I need you, Dean."


	10. How you turn the feelings off?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Because no matter how many times they save Castiel from his suicide attempts, he's still dying. His illness is taking little pieces of him every day and he's too blind to notice, but Dean isn't. He's observing how little mesh on his ruined body become bigger, how his bones become more and more visible, how his mind becomes slower and more useless, because it doesn't get any fuel to keep it going._

###### Castiel

"Forget it. I told you--"  
"You told we will do it after the trial. The trial is over, Dean."  
"It's not. He's still out there."  
"He will _always_ be out there!" He gets scared of his own voice, far too loud for his sensitive ears. Maybe it's because of the drugs that haven't stopped working yet, but he's completely done with hearing Dean's excuses. He needs to be close with someone - anyone. So he decides if Dean doesn't want to give him that, he has to find it somewhere else.  
"Where the fuck are you think you're going?!"  
Strong hand forces him to lay down again, pinning him with the body so warm he feels like melting right here and now. (You can’t blame him though, being in this position when you’re a frustrated teenager isn't the easiest thing.) His body reacts almost immediately even with all his attempts to fill his mind with the most horrible pictures he can think of. He tries to get up, but his muscles are too weak. They barely exists in the first place.  
Then he feels it and he suddenly relaxes like it was the nicest feeling in the entire universe.  
Dean's just slapped him. _Hard._  
And that was surprisingly calming.

 

\----------------------

 

They don't talk since _the accident_. Or to be more precise, Dean doesn't talk to Castiel and Castiel doesn't know what to do to fix it. He tried making breakfast to bed and he even ate a little, which Dean commented only with muttering "Good job". No eye contact. No little kisses. No holding hands. No anything. It's like he's living with some stranger rather than person closest to him.  
Boy doesn't actually blame him for blaming himself. The last time Dean hit him they were in the hospital and they got separated because of this. Maybe they've left the hospital years ago (well, at least Dean has), but it was still there, hanging in the air ready to poison them with all of the bad stuff that have happened. That's exactly what it's doing at the moment.  
"I'm going out. Meet you in the court." He said next, not waiting for any reply, because he's sure there won't be any.

 

He walks all the way to the clinic, thinking only about seeing doctor Masters. He hates her with his whole heart, but she was the only person able to help. If she fails, then he won't ever be fixed and he wants to be. For the first time in his life he truly wants to be normal, at least as much as he can. Free of diseases that are destroying his mind, body and soul. He will always have BPD and he will always stay anorexic, he's aware of that facts, but it shouldn't stop him from trying, right?  
Meg greets him with a friendly smile on her face, like he was expecting him. Which is not possible, because he didn't call her. He was sort of hoping she will be free.  
"Dean called me to say you're coming. I cancelled my lunch for you, so hope you're ready for a long talk, honey." Her words hit him like a train, because Dean knew. Somehow, he knew where Castiel is going. And he cared enough to call her and make sure she will find time. So maybe there is still hope?  
"Thank you."  
They both come into the room he knows too well and they're both sitting on their usual places. Castiel's taking his shoes off before pulling knees to his chest and staring at the wall behind her.  
"Did you take your medication this morning, Castiel?"  
"I didn't." He answers honestly, because what's the point in lying? He hates his medicine. They get him slow and unfocused, and sloppy and the nutritional drinks make him feel even more worthless than he already does. But he won't tell her that, of course he won't. You can't be too honest with your psychiatrist.  
"Why not?"  
"I forgot." She laughs and that forces him to look at her face. "Why you're laughing?"  
"You're not the forgetting type, sweetie. I think you wanted help and I can't help you if you're lying to me. You should know it, we've talked so many times."  
"Can we talk about something else?"  
"Of course. We'll get back to that later. How's your food?"  
"I'm sorry, but I have some bigger issues right now than my food. I didn't come here to talk about any of this crap. Can you listen for a change?"  
Meg's face becomes sharp and he suddenly feels ashamed, too ashamed to say sorry.  
"Go on."  
"Dean hit me yesterday. And he won't talk to me, at all. I can't... I don't understand, you know? I'm supposed to be angry, because he did that, but I was actually... I liked it. But this Lucifer stuff, what he's done to me... I think Dean will start drinking again because of me."  
She sighed, like Hannah used to do every time she was finding him passed out on the floor or when she saw his scars. It was very unprofessional sigh - he can say. Doctor Masters stands up from her chair only to kneel right before the boy. She puts her hands on his knees, catching the eye contact before he has a chance to look somewhere else. He hates her for doing that, entering his personal space so brutally and uninvited and he wants to pushed her away... But no one ever gave him this kind of comfort, pure maternal care that's filling the huge hole in his heart.  
"Honey, listen to me very carefully. You're just a kid, you can't blame yourself of Dean's action. Or anyone's else. I need you to take your medications daily and I need you to eat, because that is the only way I can help you. And you have to be honest with me, Castiel. I know you for years and I'm a doctor for years, nothing you say will surprise or disgust me."  
He fights the urge to laugh, cause she really expects him to believe that?  
"About what happened... He shouldn't've hit you, that's an abuse. I won't say you didn't like it - I'm not inside your head, but we need to talk about this some more during our next session, okay? We need to figure out why you felt like that."  
"Because--" Because he's tired of controlling everything. Because he wants to let go for a second. Because he saw Dean felt lot better when he did that.  
"Yes?"  
"Nothing. I don't really know what I was trying to say."

###### Dean

He has no idea how he could be so stupid. And he doubts any amount of alcohol would take this guilt away. He promised to protect Castiel, to make him happy and he's becoming a monster instead. He didn't mean to move it so far, but boy wanted to leave and he couldn't let that happen. And if Dean Winchester knows the way to make people listen to him, it's the violence. Who would blame him though? He was taught that if you want someone to do what you want, you need to force them to do it.  
But does he truly want to become like **Him**?  
He finishes his bottle of Jack, even though it's only 11.30 in the morning and he needs to be in court in three hours. He can't deal with this sober, not today. He can't look **that man** in the eyes without this numbness alcohol provides. What he wants to do the most is to open another bottle or two and lay on the couch forever, but he can't let Castiel find him like this. Or Sammy, cause he will surely get worried too.  
There are so many people around him, yet he's so lonely all the time.  
It used to be different. With him and Cas. They used to be happy - well, as happy as the dying boy can get. Because no matter how many times they save Castiel from his suicide attempts, he's still dying. His illness is taking little pieces of him every day and he's too blind to notice, but Dean isn't. He's observing how little mesh on his ruined body become bigger, how his bones become more and more visible, how his mind becomes slower and more useless, because it doesn't get any fuel to keep it going. But they had each other back then and now they don't. They don't, cause Dean ruined everything once again.  
"Fuck this." He says to himself, opening second bottle of whiskey. He loves the smell since he was a child. **He** used to give little Dean one glass before taking him every way He pleased that day. Dean learned to focused on the smell, he shut himself off completely until the light patch on the arm breaks his walls. Then he was sure it's over. That's never helped as much as he wanted, but it was better than looking into His eyes fully present.

 

\------------------------------

 

"Have you lost your fucking mind, Dean?" Sammy's angry voice wakes him up. He's on the floor, still holding the half empty bottle (Which one that was? Third? Fourth?). He sees Cas' blue eyes behind Sam's head and he hates himself even more.  
"I'm sorry, I... I'll get ready and we can go."  
He clears his throat and tries to stand up. He failed terribly, bottle hits the wall and shatters into little pieces all over the kitchen.  
"Go? We're already back from the court, Dean. It's over." Castiel's soft hand is suddenly on around his arm, helping him placing himself on the chair. It seems like he's done that so many times and Dean knows he actually has. He has because of him. Because he's a stupid bastard. Stupid, selfish son of a bitch.  
"Is he--" He cuts himself, because he's afraid to know. What if **He** 's still out there?  
"He's in jail. He got--"  
"No, don't tell me. I don't want to start counting days."  
"Okay, but you should know the judge decided he won't be released earlier. Besides, you know what they do to men like him in jail. I doubt he will live long enough to leave that place."  
"Cas, I'm sorry."  
"I've already called Meg, you should see her. And talk to your brother."  
"But I--"  
"It's alright, Dean. I still love you, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

 

He's left alone with Sammy, disappointed hazel eyes burning a hole in his chest. He messed up again. He always messes up everything he touches, sooner or later. So why bother at all?  
"Did you apologise?"  
"Dean, this isn't the right time to discuss that. You promised you won't drink again. You promised me!"  
"Don't change the subject, Sam. Did you apologise?"  
Sam takes a deep breath, looking deep into his brother's eyes. They were always so close, Dean is probably more like a father than big brother and he's sure Sammy misses his. Dean misses him too, of course he does, but isn't that the part of father's job? To teach and raise even if your heart breaks?  
"I told you I don't wanna see you till you do it. Get out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many many thanks to my amazing beta @thefangirlingbread and everyone reading this!


End file.
